On being a Motherless Mother

One of the identifying moments in my life was the death of my mother when I was 12. This June will mark the 18th year I've lived without her. The last few years have been a whirlwind of having babies and moving around the country; it's been difficult to devote the necessary time and energy into unraveling all these emotions are simmering just below the surface.

This year is different: we're not moving any time soon (whew!) and this is my last pregnancy. And it's twins - twin girls. I have three amazing little boys and for the first half of this doubly-blessed pregnancy I was certain we were having two more little men. Two little ladies changes everything. My vision of our family was me, my husband and five boys. I had fallen in love with that idea. Now I get to fall in love with what my actual family is going to be. How awesome is it that I get to have three boys AND twin girls?! I can't express how truly blessed I feel. I am still just in shock about it. I keep waiting for the bad news - for the other shoe to drop. No one can be this fortunate, right???

Perhaps it's the lovely extra hormones or everything else going on in our lives, but the fact that my mother isn't around is hitting me harder than it has in any of my past pregnancies. I need someone to care for me the way I care for my children. The amazing mother-in-law, husband and friends I have just aren't completely cutting it this time. I can't yet place my finger on why and that makes me feel even more guilty. I'm good at feeling guilty - I've actually perfected it in my own special way.

It's never been totally natural for me to want to break down those thick emotional walls that have helped me to survive post-mom in an emotionally abusive household with a chronically ill step-father, drug-addicted siblings and a little sister six years my junior to help raise. I grew up fast to say the least. The thought of unlocking all those powerful memories literally scares the crap out of me so I keep my distance. But the insecurities are embedded in me and are leaking into my marriage and mothering big time. I'm sure I could keep a psychiatrist in practice for years unpacking and organizing my baggage. Alas, with three little kids and two more on the way, those appointments will have to wait.

I guess I would just like to say to all those other Motherless Mothers out there that you're not alone in your stormy sea of feelings. There are other ships out there riding the waves alongside you. If we can just catch a glimpse of each other's lights from time to time, perhaps we can get through the worst of it together.