The Daily Shirt

Everyone's familiar with the classic Mom cliché of used Kleenex in the pocket, enough crumbs in the minivan that a family of four could survive for a week on, or the mom who licks her thumb then wipes her kid's face. But an even more wonderful thing is the shirt worn my a mom at the end of the day. The collection of spots, stains, snot streaks and sneaker marks around the hips truly depicts Her life. The Daily Shirt as we call it in our house.


As babies, two of my three boys spit up after every single feeding (for us that was at least a dozen times a day). Now as toddlers and preschoolers they are sticky and play in the dirt and there's always someone with a runny nose: I think I would go nuts worrying about keeping myself totally clean. It's sort of sweet that by the end of the day we all match in our level of clothing grubbiness.


We mothers become washable: those Dry Clean Only clothes get pushed back to the back of the closet and only come out when we're literally walking out the door for our monthly date night with our spouse. Every item of clothing I regularly wear is somehow faulty: there are hidden holes, stains, it's permanently stretched in a funny way.... All the pictures of the kids' birthdays or outings we take I'm in the same nine outfits it seems. Although I spend hours on Pinterest pinning lovely trendy clothing and hairstyles, I know that the ease of my cotton t-shirts and jeans and flip flops works for me.


I admire those Mothers who have the fashion part of their life together and it's not my intent at all to make their efforts to keep that part of their pre-child identity alive. I suppose I never really had my own style down before I had kids, then I was (and am again) in maternity clothes. If you want to be truly stylish in maternity clothes be prepared to fork over some serious cash. I hear from those moms who spent the $200 on maternity jeans that it was totally worth it. I just can't justify that especially since those $200 jeans on me would be stained within a week!

I sometimes even go so far as to match our shirt colors to what I know I'll be eating or doing that day. When we go berry picking in the summer you'll see my whole family in navy blue shirts. We have a lot of brown pants to match all the dirt we collect. The only white my kids have ever really worn was their baptismal gown and it was put on at the last possible moment then covered with a huge bib until we had to hand them over to the Reverend. I do wear black often but I do it knowing that the day will be mapped out in the form of nose wipes on my shoulder and crusty fingerprints in various "designs."

And tonight, as I sorted the last 48 hours of laundry to be washed I found myself smiling: "Oh yeah, we had watermelon outside on Friday with lunch" and thinking about how my youngest always pulls my shirt collar when he's on my hip so that all my shirts are lopsided on the left. Those are the little stories from my days with my boys that make me smile. 


So, on behalf of those parents who end up as marked as their kid(s) by the end of the day, please admire us for our smiles and laughter and just go by the old saying, "Never judge a book by it's cover."

On being a Motherless Mother

One of the identifying moments in my life was the death of my mother when I was 12. This June will mark the 18th year I've lived without her. The last few years have been a whirlwind of having babies and moving around the country; it's been difficult to devote the necessary time and energy into unraveling all these emotions are simmering just below the surface.

This year is different: we're not moving any time soon (whew!) and this is my last pregnancy. And it's twins - twin girls. I have three amazing little boys and for the first half of this doubly-blessed pregnancy I was certain we were having two more little men. Two little ladies changes everything. My vision of our family was me, my husband and five boys. I had fallen in love with that idea. Now I get to fall in love with what my actual family is going to be. How awesome is it that I get to have three boys AND twin girls?! I can't express how truly blessed I feel. I am still just in shock about it. I keep waiting for the bad news - for the other shoe to drop. No one can be this fortunate, right???

Perhaps it's the lovely extra hormones or everything else going on in our lives, but the fact that my mother isn't around is hitting me harder than it has in any of my past pregnancies. I need someone to care for me the way I care for my children. The amazing mother-in-law, husband and friends I have just aren't completely cutting it this time. I can't yet place my finger on why and that makes me feel even more guilty. I'm good at feeling guilty - I've actually perfected it in my own special way.

It's never been totally natural for me to want to break down those thick emotional walls that have helped me to survive post-mom in an emotionally abusive household with a chronically ill step-father, drug-addicted siblings and a little sister six years my junior to help raise. I grew up fast to say the least. The thought of unlocking all those powerful memories literally scares the crap out of me so I keep my distance. But the insecurities are embedded in me and are leaking into my marriage and mothering big time. I'm sure I could keep a psychiatrist in practice for years unpacking and organizing my baggage. Alas, with three little kids and two more on the way, those appointments will have to wait.

I guess I would just like to say to all those other Motherless Mothers out there that you're not alone in your stormy sea of feelings. There are other ships out there riding the waves alongside you. If we can just catch a glimpse of each other's lights from time to time, perhaps we can get through the worst of it together.

Shockingly, we're not Mormon

My husband and I were wondering when it would happen; when someone would ask us if we're Mormon. It was a friend's husband at a kids' birthday party. To his credit though, he grew up around a lot of Mormon families so it was a seemingly innocent question in his mind.

I guess surprisingly, we're not; we're Episcopal actually. Our decision to have a large family isn't based at all off our spiritual beliefs. We just happen to both be super-fertile. Something that we feel very fortunate about. With all the assumptions people make when you have a large family, I guess this is just another question I should expect.

Just so we're all clear about my family's motives about having lots of kids - since it's not at all a personal question....

Don't count me out, please

Even though I'm raising a small army of human beings, please don't think I can't handle anything else. I know how full my hands are but they can't always been full of kids and diapers. I need something else to do to keep my sanity. My brain is so saturated in pregnancy hormones I need something to help me wring it out so it's useful in a non-maternal way.

I want to be a good friend and offer to help watch your child(ren) while you run errands or go to the dentist. I want to be "that" mother for my kids who volunteers at their school parties and helps make costumes for their school plays. I want to participate in my church family and offer my talents where I can. I need to be involved in my community so I can help make it a lovely place for my family to live.

It takes work and energy just to get involved in friendships and activities. Coordinating babysitting also takes some time and creativity (I'm the most active member of my babysitting co-op). But don't count me - or my kids- out! Don't ever not ask me to help just because I have more kids than you. Please don't assume I don't need or want anything else to do. Sometimes our lives are too full at a particular moment, but keep asking: don't count me out! We can do almost anything a family of three can do, it just takes us longer and we have a much bigger diaper bag :) 

So, boys suck, right???

I have three boys; I love them dearly and with all my heart. So it pisses me off to no end when people assume I would be happier in life if there's a girl out of one of these twins gestating in my belly.

My husband assures me it's a natural response from people and that they don't mean it negatively. But it is hurtful and makes my boys seem insignificant - whether the speaker meant it to be or not.

I recently read another blog post (thank you Lisa K) that addressed the hurt that her boys felt when people "joked" about the mother's fourth (and final) child was "thankfully a girl." How must it feel to a child when even strangers speak down about them.

This doesn't just apply to boys either. One of my best friends has 5 (yes five) girls and is pregnant with Baby #6. She and her husband never find out their baby's gender during pregnancy so this adds to the "problem." Not only does she hear it over and over again about having five - soon to be six - children, she endures countless comments from family, friends and strangers who all assume they're simply breeding until they get a boy. He daughters are old enough to pick up on all of this and it just makes me want to slap everyone in the face and ask them how they think that makes this family feel.

I can't believe that people actually know how hurtful these assumptions can be (that would just crush all faith I have in Humanity). But we need to be more sensitive and think before we speak. What if the mother you're asking has lost a child in the past or struggled to become pregnant? How do you think it makes her feel when you assume she wants a girl or boy or whatever? I guess it's become part of our culture that the 2.5 kids should be one boy and one girl. When did we stop feeling like we've been blessed with a child - any child - and feel we deserve to have both ends of the parenting spectrum? Whatever happened to just appreciating the fact that you have a healthy little baby?

It just makes me sad that people unknowingly discount what children I have and assume that I'm not happy with my three little men: that my life as a mother won't be complete without a girl. Whatever is given to me I will take, and love and raise with all that I am. And I will be thankful for what lives and little beings have been entrusted to me.

To every one of my friends who has kindly wished a girl upon our family, please know that I accepted your wish knowing it came from a lovely place in your heart. But also know that it did sting a little to think you didn't think of my boys and how much I love them and how wonderful it would be to have more children just like them. That's all.

I'm filter free, baby

Like young children and the senile, most pregnant women have no filter. Once you're knocked up, it's socially acceptable to speak your mind in a way that would otherwise be deserving of a name that rhymes with witch.

As someone who naturally avoids confrontation, I personally find it very liberating. Whether it's the hormones or just the fact that I have very little patience for stupidity and rudeness, I suddenly have the perfect thing to say - at the right moment! You know how you've laid in bed awake at night thinking of all the things you could have and should have said to that fat cow in the grocery store line "advising" you on how your crying baby needs a pacifier and would sleep so much better if you fed them rice cereal.... Or the jackhole who just cut you off illegally because you were going the speed limit on a residential street - in a school zone!

To those who dare to cross my path after my three year old accidentally crapped in his underwear, my two year old is having a full-fledged meltdown in the parking lot of Costco and after my 10 month old has skipped his morning nap and bucked the bottle of formula I've been coaxing him to take - look out; I'm filter-free and not ashamed in the least to tell you how I feel.